House Of Pain - PCOS, And How To Manage It

In today's post, I want to start a conversation about PCOS. It's a bit of a personal subject for most people who have it, and one filled with emotional responses for the many people who have to deal with the side effects. But with approximately 3.5 million people in the UK alone diagnosed with the condition, it's definitely a talk worth having in more detail, especially as it's so difficult to get diagnosed with, and is confusing to manage the different elements of the side effects. But as frustrating as PCOS is, it doesn't have to be the bane of your existence.

Be Hair-raising - Dealing With Hair Loss via PCOS

Hair loss is no joke. Whether hormone or hereditary, it doesn't matter how it creeps up on you, it's something which can severely affect your confidence. We spend so much time using hair as part of our identity, whether through cuts, colours or styling, and to have that changed with seemingly little control can really shake you up. As someone with PCOS, the symptom I find most difficult to deal with is hair loss from the front. I'm lucky that the placement doesn't make it too obvious because I can style my hair to cover it, but I know the two small patches are there, and fear for them growing every time I wash or brush it. But what can you do? Well, I've found a few things which help...

Fat Bottomed Girls They'll Be Riding Today - Cycling, Being Happy And Stopping The Apologies

Yesterday I did something which even a month ago I wouldn't have thought possible. I cycled 20k - almost 12 and a half miles or a half a marathon depending which way you want to look at it. It was completed on my exercise bike in one go at a fairly vigorous pace and felt like a massive war cry to the latest range of box ticking health professionals I've had to endure looking down their nose at me.

I started running back in January after signing up to do a 5K with one of my friends. It was something which I knew wouldn't come easily to me, but felt that starting slowly and building up my endurance would be the best way forward. I'm not a natural athlete but I am fairly fit with low cholesterol and good blood pressure and have had a decent vegetarian diet since I was 12. However I've spent more than half my life being blighted with what I now know to be PCOS and glucose intolerance which has allowed my weight to slowly creep up over the years to where I'm now struggling to keep myself between a UK size 18 - 22.

Jogging leggings and trainers from F&F. Full details here.

Over the last few years, I've learnt to accept and actually quite like my body. My diet isn't perfect - I enjoy the odd slice of pizza and cake, but like most people, for the most part keep everything in moderation. However I spent most of my adult life making apologies for how my size makes other people feel and felt guilty for making strangers feel uncomfortable. I felt self conscious eating in public. I felt judged when shopping in a supermarket. I even felt worried if the coffee shop queue was taking too long as it meant being stood next to the cake counter. I'd worry about the horror which my coffee shop companions were feeling as I imagined them imagining me contemplating which tasty calorie laden treat to gorge myself upon.

Never did I think I'd find myself in a situation where I was running in public with my k-cup boobs and wobbly bits flapping away in spandex, but felt I owed it to myself to the be the healthiest and best that I could be, no matter what size my clothing label said. So I did. I put the effort in. I ran in rain, hail and blistering heat. I ran over grass, I ran over hills, I sometimes ran to the point where I was moments away from throwing up (although I wouldn't recommend that last one).

A few months in, I was continuing to push on but was surprised to find myself still struggling with shorter distances when in theory, the 5k training I was following was complete. It didn't make sense until I had some blood tests confirm dangerously low levels of iron and vitamins b and d. My GP couldn't understand how I was still standing let along keeping up with the exercise, but sheer determination was pushing me on. Sometimes that isn't enough though, and I knew I needed to reign things in, even if just for a little while.

During this running break, I met with a PCOS specialist who I'd been seeing for the best part of a year. She was someone who had very little interest in me as a patient because she clearly didn't believe a word of what I was saying and took great pleasure in exclaiming that I hadn't lost any weight in the past year - "not even a single kilo gram!" She then proceeded to tell me that my only hope was weight loss surgery. Yep. The only thing for an active and healthy person to do is take on an expensive, dangerous and debilitating surgery so they can in their eyes "look normal". I was horrified and angry at this treatment and immediately argued that this wasn't acceptable.

I'm lucky that I have a GP who is on my side because I can see how people could easily get bullied into going down routes they don't wish to. I asked her what benefit weight loss surgery would be for someone who doesn't over eat and her response was "it's your last resort." I was too furious to argue, but would love to have questioned her over what it was my last resort from. My low cholesterol? My healthy heart rate? Or is it that my chubby arms and tummy are so revolting to her that I'm best swept away to be put under the knife, stat?

Sequin Dress from Yours Clothing. Full details here.

Coming away from the appointment, I was struck by the realisation that I've finally accepted who I am. Even a few years ago, I probably would have caved in and agreed that surgery was something I should consider whereas now, I don't feel the need to conform to someone elses idea of what normal and healthy is.

Since I've been struggling to run, I instead purchased a second hand exercise bike and in three weeks have gone from a puffed out 5k to a sweat drenched 20k and I feel proud. Slaving away to exercise is no longer about getting down to a goal weight or dream size. It's about continuing to be healthy and happy and wearing whatever the hell I want, vbl and all.

Of course I have days where I feel frumpy, but then show me a person who doesn't have an off-day. I'm hoping to have my iron and vitamin levels sorted soon and would love to be running again by the Autumn. But that's because I miss being on Hampstead Heath more than anything to do with a training program.

My vbl outside doesn't mean that I'm falling apart inside and if strangers want to make assumptions, that's their problem. If you're going to sit across from me on a bus and judge me, chances are you're probably not the sort of person I want to hang out with anyway.

Medical professionals are important, but they are not always right. I'm lucky that my GP is great, but I've learned to not be afraid of pushing for alternative solutions, and certainly it's good to ask as many questions as you can. But above all, don't let yourself be body shamed or bullied. You wouldn't accept it anywhere else in your life, and your health - both mental and physical - are of the utmost important.

I am fat, healthy and happy. Am I perfect? Of course not. But I've learned to have fun as me rather than punishing myself in an attempt to be someone else.

Until next time,

Diana xx

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(All photos (c) Diana Thompson / Fashion Loves Photos unless otherwise stated. Please do not reproduce without written permission.)

Better Find Out Where They Want You To Go.

I'm at that stage where I feel like I've hit a wall. A wall which I've thrown myself against repeatedly to try to break it. One which I've tried to climb over. One which I've tried to walk around and one which I've just tried to flat out ignore. But it's there - and it's annoying me. And I'm still trying to break it down.

Everything feels a little bit more difficult that it should do at the moment - I feel like my running progress has plateaued which fills me with fear with the 5k fast approaching. I feel tired all the time, and have been sent off for another round of blood tests to see what mischief my hormones are creating now and whether I might also be iron deficient. And I feel frustrated with my work - I feel like all my current projects are on the more "work work work" side, with some sort of creative undertaking needed to pick me up. However I don't want to commit myself to anything big until I can guarantee that my body isn't going to pack up on me and send me to Zzzz-town.

Health vs Health.

It feels a little health vs health at the moment. Run, get fitter, fight against the stomach pain, PCOS and hormones, feel drained, feel sick, feel sleepy, get run down, get a cold, don't run, feel useless, feel like a failure, run, start process all over again. Over the last eight weeks I've been running almost every other day, normally a minimum of 4k, sometimes closer to 6. Often it was partly walked or slow ran, especially as I push myself to do routes with huge hills  and steep inclines but this week, I managed Monday. Just Monday. I've made myself go for a few walks, but this is the first week since I committed to running the 5K where my training schedule has completely fallen by the wayside, and it's really got under my skin.

Feels like the story of my life right now!

I'm trying to not beat myself up about it. It's been a rough week with a huge workload and I've not been feeling 100% so have decided to pick up where I left off next week. I'm currently sat in the countryside, and am trying to clear my mind with a view to starting over on Monday morning.

In terms of creativity, I've dusted off a few old project ideas and shelved something else I'd been working on with a view to coming back to it another time. It's nice to be making plans and writing outlines, even if that's all they are right now. I'm not going to lie, I feel a bit miserable and sorry for myself, but I need to weigh out the rubbish stuff with everything which is also good.

Next week is a new start, eh?

Also if anyone feels like donating a few pennies, I'm training to run the 5k Electric Run for Breast Cancer Care. You can sponsor me here.

Until next time,

Diana xx

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(All photos (c) Diana Thompson / Fashion Loves Photos unless otherwise stated. Please do not reproduce without written permission.)

Runaway.

It's all been a little quiet around here for the last week, but that's mostly because I've either been in my running kit or pyjamas - not a glamorous moment or outfit in sight! That said, it's also been a week of getting stuff done, and I'm winning the war against my editing pile AND have eased myself into my 5K training.

I'm not a sporty person by nature, but in a bid to fight against my PCOS, I decided to attempt to run 5K at the end of the month. To me, exercise does not equate to a good time but I'm trying to do it in as a fun a manner as possible. Firstly, I'm running it with some of my best friends and The Electric Run is effectively a giant rave with a 5k thrown into the middle of it. With lots of DJs, UV lights and glow stick fun dotted around the course, I'm hoping it isn't going to feel as arduous as my current sunrise runs are! Still, they are keeping me focused and it's nice to have a goal which is to do with fitness, and nothing else.

One of my annoying traits is that I have a habit of throwing myself head-first into things, so a plan of two days on and one day off has run into five days straight and my calves giving out earlier today around the 20 minute mark. The trudge back home was pretty horrific, but a long soak in the bath with a cup of tea has seemed to appease it. I'm debating whether to re-attempt tomorrow as I know I can't run on Tuesday - I guess I'm still trying to push myself and work out what is too much or too little. I'm sure a few more weeks and I'll be working with a better routine!

However I am getting quite bored of pyjamas and running clothes, and desperately need to inject some fun and glamour back into my life! Hopefully next week will see a few outfit and beauty posts as I'm shooting quite a lot and therefore will need to attempt to look human!

I'm also in desperate need of a good sports bra any recommendations. If anyone has any advice, all will all be welcomed!

Until next time,

Diana xx

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(All photos (c) Diana Thompson / Fashion Loves Photos (unless stated otherwise). Please do not reproduce without written permission.)

Golden Years; The Struggle Against New Years Resolutions.

I always think the week between Christmas and New Year is a bit like sitting in a railway station. You feel like you're waiting and waiting for something to happen, whether it's an end of year party or just getting back to a normal schedule. I love Christmas and all the fun which goes with it, but you do find that you lose track of the days and each festive movie begins to melt into the next.

My Christmas was a fun, happy boardgame filled affair in the countryside with Howard's wonderful family. I feel incredibly lucky that they've let me share in their traditions including finding the fabled sugar mice in my tree stocking and was absolutely spoilt by all of them. Although the day itself was great, I have always been a lover of Christmas Eve as it has a certain magic to the air, mixed with excitement and anticipation. I got to read a Christmas story to Howard's five year old niece and nephew which had already made my holiday complete before I even got to the giant pile of presents! There is nothing like two excited faces to make you go home filled with a genuine excitement for the happiness which Christmas can bring.

One of Mama Dicely's favourite games, K2. This always gets brought back to Lambourn, and you can read Howard's hilarious review of it here.

Back in London, our thoughts of course turned to plans for New Years Eve, and with that, I started to consider the crushing series of resolutions which would inevitably make my January miserable and leave me feeling a washed up failure by the first week of February. And then I decided that I was done with resolutions - what I really need to do is make some small changes, and re-focus. Instead of working against myself with deprivation, I am going to apply more moderation and see what happens.

1. Don't aim to lose weight - try to change your diet and fitness routine.
We've all been there on the 1st January with a raging hangover and an unopened box of Celebrations. Those promises of "I'm eating nothing but salads" have made way for "I need a fry up or I am going to die", and the thought of even crawling from the sofa to the kitchen makes you want to cry.

I've been in a constant battle with my weight since the age of 15, and it's taken until my early 30s to get a proper diagnosis of what's going on. For me, it has never been as simple as eat less and exercise more as my body is dealing with both PCOS and Insulin Resistance to quite severe degrees. Yet there are things which I can do to help moderate the condition - a low GI diet, making sure I do take regular exercise and ensuring that the things which are bad for my body are treats only, and not a regular occurrence. (Pizza, you, me and the rest of the carbs are going to have to have a little chat...)

It doesn't have to be a horrible, restrictive ordeal. It'll be fun to experiment with food and find tasty alternatives which will make me feel better both inside and out. I don't need to eat less, just differently, and when I fancy that slice of pizza or pack of Malteasers, I can do so without feeling guilty about it. Complete deprivation is a bad  idea as it often leads to feelings of shame and self hatred when we inevitable crumble after a bad day. Where's the fun in that? Life is for living, and I fully intend to keep that tub of ice-cream and emergency bottle of wine for those days where nothing quite else will do.

I have also learnt to take on board that I need to watch what I'm not eating as well as what I do. It's important to eat your five a day, but it also needs to be varied. Eating ten tangerines isn't going to give me enough protein or good fats! When I'm busy working I frequently have a bad habit of not eating enough which is incredibly bad for my blood sugar, thyroid and metabolism and need to start packing small healthy snacks to take on shoots with me. This will also hopefully stop me crashing once home and craving a truck load of carbs as I need a sugar fix.

Time will tell with this non-resolution, but it is one which I am feeling positive about. I'm looking forward to getting back on the running wagon and enjoying waking up with beautiful, foggy views from Hampstead Heath.

2. Don't aim to earn more money - ask yourself how you can be more successful.
Every January, I always seem to attack my business plan with some sort of wolf cry, and then instantly fall back into familiar patterns. This year has been one of my busiest with many new clients ranging from corporate big wigs to individual small businesses and sole traders. So why hasn't my bank balance reflected this? Even more frightening, why has my work / life balance turned into work / work / sleep for five hours / work?

Certainly November and December saw me take on more work than I could reasonably manage, and it was by editing insane amounts in my pyjamas on caffeine highs that I managed to clear the backlog in time to hit their respective deadlines. So what was the problem? It all stems from knowing what your worth is and although I have a series of rates, I have always been happy to work on a sliding scale with smaller businesses and individuals. But taking on a job which sucks up all your time for next to nothing? Sometimes you need to know your worth and walk away.

This year I am not going to be afraid to ask for what I feel my time and work is worth. I'll be happy to negotiate, but being paid isn't someone doing you a favour. It's because you can fulfil the client's specific needs to a perfect standard. This is something I need to remember when moving forward. I don't want to get to next December, and contemplate how hard it is to be this broke!

I have also learnt to not be afraid of trying new things. Two years ago, I started up Whiskey Kittens with my friend Tom, and discovered that I'm actually quite good at DJing! Who knew? This has led to being paid to DJ at private parties, events and even weddings, and with a wide love of music ranging from 20s jazz to 70s glam and beyond, I've been quite flexible and picked up a lot of gigs as "that vintage DJ" which totally works for me!

(If anyone who wants to offer me some work, I am also an internationally published writer too with particular interests in fashion, music, cinema and vintage lifestyles. Just in case anyone's looking...)

My plan moving forward is to sort out my portfolio, upload my new work, cut the old stuff and hype up the other things I'm good at. It's easy to be stressed and second guess yourself, but if you're a freelance and you're surviving in this climate, you must be doing something right!

It feels incredibly liberating to ditch the new year ball and chains. I'm hoping that a clear mind and fresh outlook which offer a more positive avenue to seeing the changes I want to make happen. I am also hoping that it will be easier to bounce back from when things inevitable go wobbly from time to time.

Here's to a happy 2014, with no self-loathing, deprivation, impossible diet restrictions and self imposed stress. Remember it's easier to make small changes when feeling more positive, and small changes eventually add up to huge ones.

Until next time,

Diana xx

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(All photos (c) Diana Thompson / Fashion Loves Photos. Please do not reproduce without written permission.)